


The Bat and the Billionaire

by Syntax



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Don't Judge Me, Gen, There is no Jason, in-universe fanfiction, mostly drawing from the DCAU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 17:47:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8111626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Syntax/pseuds/Syntax
Summary: There is no way a man who dresses up as a bat to fight criminals can take himself 100% seriously.His kids don't either.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by those two tumblr posts regarding in-universe batman/bruce wayne fanfiction and bruce moonlighting as some forum nutbar claiming bruce is batman to discredit the idea to the public. Please look them up if you can and link them to me in the comments; i'd do it myself but im in the college library and im too much of a chickenshit

Look to the butts, posted G0th@mDetect1ve2 one last time before logging out of the forum.  The butts are undeniable proof that Gotham City's Batman is none other than Bruce Wayne.

As usual, the post was met with laughter and memes by the other forum-goers.  The poorly cropped image of Batman's rear end was compared to the likes of wrestlers, celebrities, even a few fictional characters.  Look to the butts, the forumites parroted with glee, Batman is actually Hulk Hogan!

Despite himself, a smile settled on Bruce's face as he powered down the computer and rose from his desk.  He'd spent enough time goofing around for one afternoon.  It was time to let G0th@mDetect1ve2 sleep for a while, and go back to being Bruce Wayne: billionaire playboy and world's greatest detective.  The smile was still on his face as he headed out of his home office and into the decorated halls of Stately Wayne Manor.  It was almost a shame, Bruce thought, that he could never let anyone in on the joke.  Comedians the world over would have material for years.

Batman, known the world over for his secrecy and shadowy methods— regularly revealing his secret identity online as a joke.  A joke regarding butts, no less.

He ambled through the hallways with no real destination set in mind; it was daytime still, and he'd nowhere to be.  No galas or events that needed his presence, no schemes that needed his intervention.  Well.  None that he was aware of at least, and if Bruce prided himself on anything it was how aware he was of everything that needed his attention.  He could certainly patrol the streets of Gotham later when the sun had set, but until then he had time to kill.  Time to be the billionaire instead of the detective.

A vanilla scent wafted through the halls, leading Bruce away from his musings and into the kitchen, where two of his boys, Dick and Tim, were lounging at the dinner table and chattering amicably.  Dick was on semester leave from his university, while Tim had been home from school for a good hour or so by Bruce's reckoning.  A plate of freshly baked cookies was situated between them, explaining the smell that had led him to the kitchen.

Neither of the boys had noticed his arrival, so Bruce took the opportunity to hang back for a moment and see what their conversation was about.  They seemed to be bouncing ideas back and forth over a spiral notebook, pausing only to think and snag more cookies from their plate of treats.

"Okay," Dick said, taking a cookie from the plate and biting half of it off in one mouthful, "What about the Robins?  Gotham's pretty aware that there's been at least two; I mean I grew up in the tights, and you're clearly not a college student.  Are we gonna handwave that, or is it gonna be plot relevant?"

Tim rested his chin on his hands and scrunched his face up in thought.  Unlike Dick, Tim was still in middle school, and didn't quite have the same mind for details.  However, he made up for it with a boundless enthusiasm and a well of ideas.  Bruce could tell right away that he must've had one because his face suddenly lit up.

"I got it!  Maybe the last Robin died fighting crime, and the new one is like, a way to atone for his mistakes or something?" he suggested.  Dick's eyebrows rose considerably and he immediately started scribbling in the notebook.

Bruce decided he'd heard all that he needed to determine this was something the boys had to let him in on.  He cleared his throat loud enough for them to hear and stepped farther into the kitchen.

"Tim, Dick, you mind telling me what it is you're working on?" he said, tone light and amused.  There was a pinch of fear in the back of his mind at the notion of dead Robins, but he tried not to let it show on his face.  He had a feeling that they would surprise him.

The boys exchanged a look, then broke into fits of giggling.

Dick managed to regain his composure first.  "Okay," he said, straightening out his clothes, "You know how there's this whole market of stories about Batman online?  Like fighting the bad guys, rescuing self-inserts, going on adventures, that sort of thing?  Well, we found one the other day—"

"'The Bat and The Billionaire'," Tim cut in with his best dramatic narrator voice, "After a series of attacks on his life, billionaire Bruce Wayne seeks the aid of the Batman to find the criminals responsible and bring them to justice.  Will the Dark Knight be able to stop the plot on Wayne's life before it's too late?  Or will the notorious playboy drive him insane first?"

The younger Robin proceeded to bow in his chair, his senior only encouraging him by applauding the apparent dramatic reading.  Bruce found himself at a loss for words.

".........Dick?"

"We found a janky romance story between you and you the other day, and the premise was just so dumb we had to try our hand at making our own," Dick explained.

He held up the spiral bound notebook and tossed it over to Bruce.  The billionaire thumbed through the pages, finding copious notes in two different hands of scrawl.  The boys had apparently been putting a lot of time into their project.

"That's all we got so far," Dick continued, "Tim and I figured we'd just rip off the plot of that one and put our own spin on things."

Tim nodded excitedly.  "Wait 'til you hear what we figured for your alter ego!"  The middle schooler again puffed up his chest and scrunched his face into an exaggeratedly serious expression before speaking: "Scott Peterson was Gotham City's best cop, until a case gone wrong sent him off the force.  Now he patrols the streets of Gotham as the masked vigilante Batman, keeping the city safe while hunting down the truth that will solve the case and clear his name."

Bruce whistled at that.  Tim certainly had a way with his delivery—even knowing that the true identity of Batman was standing in the room with him, he gave a solid case for his creation.  On the other side of Bruce however, Dick frowned.

"I thought we were going to name him Scott McCall?" he said, "I have it written down in the notebook."

"Yeah, well I like Peterson better, so we're going with that instead."

"Tim you can't just change things around on a whim, we have to plan this first!"

"Boys," Bruce interjected with his best fatherly tone, "There's no need to bicker like that.  Besides— it's my alter-ego, shouldn't I get to name Batman?"

A few looks were exchanged between the two Robins, punctuated by a shrug from Dick.

"Alright old man, let's hear it.  What do you think the name should be?" the teenager said, leaning back in his chair.

Bruce tapped the notebook to his chin as he pondered.  Creating cover identities was nothing new to him, he'd had to do so many times while hunting for information.  However, then he'd always had to be careful his fake name couldn't be traced back in some way to his real name, or his secret identity.  Being that the boys were writing a story, he could be a bit more on the nose if he wanted.

"How about Scott Masterson?" the billionaire suggested.

Tim made a face at the suggestion.  Dick merely raised an eyebrow and retrieved the notebook so the suggestion could be recorded.

"That's a bit of a plain name, Dad.  Any reason for it?"

"Back when I was a kid, there was an old show about a real-life Wild West sheriff named William Barclay Masterson, heading around the town and saving the day.  It was alright for its time, though I'd wager you boys would find it pretty corny if you saw it now.  One thing to note though was that they hardly ever called the sheriff by his first name, sticking to a nickname that the reall William Barclay used in his life: Bat Masterson."

A silence overtook the room so complete that one could have heard a pin drop as the two Robins processed what had been said.  Tim broke into a guffaw as the realization hit; Dick sat hunched over the notebook, quietly muttering an "oh my god" underneath his breath.

Bruce felt another smile sneaking its way across his face.  He headed over to the table and pulled up a chair next to the boys, propping his elbows up on the wooden surface and looking out at his boys with a shit eating grin.

"So, now that that's settled, why don't you tell me more about the adventures of "the Bat and the Billionaire?""


End file.
